Well, here it is again. My mom says that it's my lot in life to send off my best friends into the unknown. Maybe it is. but this is the last one. Colbren. wow. I've been through all the emotions with him. I've hated him, i've gotten angry with him...and frustrated. But he's brought me joy, and comfort, and i've loved him. Just like all of my really close friends.
The thing about sending missionaries off is that you don't quite know what will happen in two years. Will you see them again? and if you do will things be the same? It's so hard to let someone go when you know deep down that even if you do see them at the end of those two years things won't be the same. In a way it is a permanent goodbye. You're saying goodbye to life with that person as you know it.
Colbren. I've never been treated with so much kindness before. Sure, my really close friends have always treated the girl of their interest with much respect and thoughtfulness. I've just never been on the receiving end of it. I've always been the observer. But with Colbren, I have been on the receiving end. It kind of helps me know now what it must feel like to have someone really care about you...and that maybe i shouldn't settle for anything less. I've seen that boy grow so much. I've seen his conversion and i've seen how strong in the Spirit he can be. That's what i want. Sigh. so, like wes, he now will be a measuring stick: one of the people i compare everyone against. Sigh.
Goodbye Colbren.

I saw a play tonight, Life Without Parole, about actual women who were in abusive relationships who were pushed far enough to kill their own husbands. Horrific things happened to these women...unmentionable things. One thing in particular did catch my attention. Each relationship started out the same way. Their husbands were everything these women wanted. Then slowly, they started becoming suspicious and controlling. I understood what they were saying. I understood the shame that they felt in telling people that they were abused. While my relationship never escalated to the same extremes as these women, I have no doubt that if I stayed in that relationship that it very well would have.
Some of these women were in multiple abusive relationships either with their father or brother or peers. Why is it, that when people get out of one abusive relationship they fall right into another? I even have a hard time recognizing the same warning signs that I've already seen. Example: Hank. yes Hank. And Nate Wes. So, what do I do? I fear that I tire people with constantly talking about this...constantly talking about Cameron. I fear that I tire you and that I tire my parents because to be honest, while I may tell other people, you and my parents are the only ones that I know believe me. Well, and Colbren, but i tire him too and i don't want to taint his friendship with Cameron. But I do fear that I tire you guys, but the thing is, you don't just get over something like that. And while I try to move on I still think about Cameron almost everyday. And I don't want to rant about him, I just want to move on and be a smarter person when I move on, but it doesn't seem like I am. Example: Hank. And Nate Wes.

Finding the Lord

Life sucks sometimes and I'll be the first one to admit it! I'm sure we have all had those days where we have looked up to the heavens and said, "Lord, just take me now. I don't want to do it anymore." Sometimes it's hard to find the Lord's mercy. I'm constantly confronted with change and trials and things that I don't think I can get through.

I think Heavenly Father has been trying to speak to me lately though. In your last blog you mentioned how the little things can make an entire day better. Along those lines, Brother Christensen, along with my mother, have said that it's all about the voices that we listen to. It reminds me of a song that is near and dear to my heart. "We cannot find our way, Lord help me find my way. There are so many different voices, so many different choices. Lord help me find my way back home." But then it goes on, "Three kings found the Lord, and so can we." How true! We are never alone. We have the Spirit with us along with spirits from Satan, and it matters who we listen to.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess, ultimately, I want to bear my testimony. The Lord hears. He wants to help and He will help. We will not get lost if we listen to His voice. He loves us. He loves you, He loves me, and gosh darn it He even loves Cambria! But really. We all can find Him if we look. We all can find Him if we choose to hear His voice. Now, how do we get others to hear it as well?

P.S. remind me to see if i have extra tickets to forgotten carols. i think you'd like it.

Home

Let's explore the meaning of home. Sometimes i think that home is where the people who love you are. If this is the case, then home could be several places. If home is in fact where there are people who love you, then getting up and leaving would be extremely painful. Especially if you move to school, and then back to family, and then back to school and what not. When i first moved out, i started thinking that home is where the church is. No matter where one goes, one can always find Christ's people; people like them who have the same goals. Or, perhaps, home is in the mind. Maybe its all in the memories and the people you keep alive in your heart. Most likely, its a combination of all of these.
Better question. When one feels a bit lost and home sick, should they make a home and receive comfort from that? Even if they know that it is only temporary and they will have to leave and it will be heart breaking. or is it better to just suffer through it so that there will be no breaking hearts in the end? Is it really better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? Is it really? Maybe C.S. Lewis said it best.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wronged and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it in tacked you must give your heart to no one not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become un-breakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place out side of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love, is hell.”

- C.S. Lewis
Can this be applied to home? maybe that's just it. maybe love is home. which is dangerous because love will always bring pain. But isn't home supposed to be a safe place from all of that? maybe home is more peace than it is love...

anyway, rambling. Thoughts, questions, comments, concerns, feelings, emotional outburst of any sort? I'd love to hear them.

My issue with boys.

Ooooookkkkk,new problem. Do you remember luke? Do you remember me telling you that I couldn't talk around him, and I completely shut down? yah...how do I stop that from happening? I can't be squirming around boys for the rest of my life or I'm never gonna get married!!! Not that I want to right now, but someday yes, but that day will never come if I don't figure out a way to swallow my fear and BE MYSELF!!!!! geez, you wouldn't think someone would need practice being themselves! sigh. I need mental help.

Why is it that people scare me? Why am I so paranoid? I just got a batch of new, giggly, roommates. Sigh. It's bad enough that I feel like I'm going to barf whenever I meet someone new, but then add the feeling that I feel like I'm doing something wrong every ten minutes when they burst into a new fit of giggles. Why am I so afraid that they are laughing at me? Why can't I bring myself to talk to them? Help. Someone help me.

You know what? i do they are laughing at me. i think they make fun of me. ha. interesting. what am i going to about it? (really some advice would be good)

Such Great Heights

There are definitely certain songs that define my high school journey. With these songs comes fond memories and journeys and some of my favorite people. They tell the story. But there is one song that will always take me back. Whenever I listen to it, I feel like I'm being taken through a time warp. My head gets all dizzy, and I can feel in my stomach and in my heart the same feelings that I had in high school. For about four minutes and twenty seconds, I'm that girl again, and I have that life again. It's quite amazing. It keeps reminding me to be grateful for the amazing time that I had. Here's the song.


Such Great Heights

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

I know I have focused a lot on change and letting things go. It's because I'm in a phase of life right now where change is the only constant thing. People and things continue to move in and out of my life. I have felt like I can't hang on to anyone or anything.

To prove my point; this week I am organizing a mass clean out. I'm cleaning out everything from my clothes and shoes to old stuffed animals and everything else that is in my possession. Anyway, I put sentimental value on EVERYTHING, so getting rid of things is really hard for me. My dear mother definitely put me in my place tonight. She said, "Honey, things aren't meant to be forever. We aren't supposed to hang on to things. Things aren't meant to be forever, and people aren't meant to be forever." And she's right. I shouldn't place value and material things. I have the memories and I don't need things to remind me of the good ole times.

As for the people, ha, well getting rid of my things is only a representation of the people in my life. Sure, there are family members that will be there forever, but other than that, everyone else comes and goes no matter how much they have moved you or how much they meant to you. Maybe it's time to finally accept that fact. Maybe it's time to let go of people.

One of my favorite quotes, which happened to come from the t.v show "Men in Trees", is this: Sometimes it's only when we can let go that we can make room for the rest of our lives. Maybe that's true. My mother just said that, and friend of mine has said it...maybe it's true. I was discussing this quote with a dear friend of mine and she said something that made sense. She said that love is inclusive, not exclusive. Letting go doesn't mean loving someone less. Maybe all it means is just letting them live life with or without me; whatever they choose. I guess it just hurts to know that I choose them, but they don't choose me. And I hang on to that. And it's time to let them go. Just like the old sweater that I absolutely loved in high school. It's still my favorite, but it doesn't fit and I won't wear it, so it's time to let it go.

I only have one fear. What if I let someone go, only to find out they really did want me?

How do you know when to let go of something and when to hang on? Especially when you're not quite sure what it is you are hanging on to, or if what you are hanging on for turns out to be something different. Does that make sense? is it healing to hang on to a hope, especially when, most likely, there is a very small percentage to hope for? ack! sigh.

What To Do?

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wronged and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it in tacked you must give your heart to no one not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become un-breakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place out side of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love, is hell.”

- C.S. Lewis

i highly believe this statement. and yet, sometimes i can't help but wonder what is so wrong with locking it in a casket...especially when one feels that their heart has been wronged and broken time and time again and they are sick of it...

Did I mention that I HATE change?

Did I mention that I HATE change? I hate it. One of my best just left for two years, i hardly ever see my other best friend and mean while each day keeps pulling me in a direction that i don't want to go, and i can't stop it and i can't go back. ugh.

Anyway, here a the lyrics to thunder by boys like girls. I just thought it described too perfectly how i feel.

Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go

Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried
I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know

Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone
I don't know
And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside
Just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think we'll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
And bring on the thunder, and I said
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder

The Complexities of Death

Death is a complex thing, and it brings about complex emotions. Let me tell you a story. When i was about eight or so, a new family moved into our neighborhood. In primary that Sunday, a father wheeled his son to the front of the room. "This is Kyle," he said. Kyle wasn't able to walk, talk, or doing to kept himself alive. He relied fully on the merits of his family. He was our age, and therefore, he would be coming to our sunday school class.
Kyle's dad, Brother Nichols, invited our class to come up to the front to touch him and his wheel chair. That is the moment when we all fell in love with him. Over the years there would be countless fights on who got to push Kyle in his wheel chair, who got to sit next him in class, who got to clean up his spit, and who got to put his breathing tube back in when it came out. We all loved him, and we could feel the strong spirit that lived inside of that body. Many said that his brave and devoted spirit was the reason that he came in that body. He was a such a great spirit of Heavenly Father's that having the challenges of that body was the only trial of his. It was clear that he had touched us deeply.
When we were about sixteen he's condition worsened, and his parents stopped bringing him to sunday school. He went to the high school through the special education program, and so we got to him regularly through school, until we all graduated.
Anyway, he died two days ago. When i first heard of his death, i only felt happiness for him. Now he can walk, he can talk, he can do everything that he couldn't do down here on earth. And his family will be able to do his temple work for him, so he will officially be a member of this church. Whenever he was mentioned, i only felt joy for him.
However, today was his viewing, and his family had set up pictures of him growing up and pictures of him and his family. People told stories of how his siblings took care of and loved him. Then, before we went in to see Kyle's body, there was a picture of Kyle drawn by Roger Cushing. It was supposed to be of Kyle as a physically normal, healthy, nineteen year old boy. And he was so beautiful. Then we went to see Kyle, and i kept trying to picture how he looked in that portrait. Kyle was there. He was there. We all could feel him. Suddenly, i wanted nothing more than to just cry. I was sad that this wonderful person left his family. I know they will be reunited again someday, but for this brief period of time, his family has to suffer his absence.
It's amazing how in the same instance, a person can feel two completely opposite and conflicting emotions.
I came home and was pondering on these things. I kept thinking that i should still be happy for him. Why was i crying?
I turned to the book, True to the Faith, and found something really quite eye opening.
On page 45 it says, "In fact, mourning is one of the deepest expressions of love. The Lord said, 'Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.' (D&C 42:45)"
Then it goes on to say, "The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."
Mourning is the deepest expression of love. I'm still happy for Kyle, but to not mourn his loss would mean that i do not love him. For his family to not mourn his loss would mean they do not love him. So, it's ok. It's ok to feel joy, but it is also ok to feel sad. It's so simple and i had read it before, but i must have forgotten.
It's the same with our Heavenly Father. For him to not mourn over us would mean that He does not love us. For our parents to not mourn over us would mean they do not love us. For friends to not mourn over us would mean they do not love us. And while love is celebrating the joy as well, it also means mourning with and for those that mourn.
Oh, how complex death is. Oh, how complex love is. Oh, how complex life is. Yet, at the same time, it is all very simple. Sometimes the simplicity is just out of reach...

Change

There is one thing i hate most; change. I hate i hate i hate it. Just when i finally start to get to used to something...just when i start to accept this place as home, it changes.
But then, I wouldn't grow if things never changed. I suppose it's time. I've been dared to move, to lift myself off the floor, and i have to take that dare. I have to move forward with my life and hope that it's for the best...because it's impossible to go back.
It's ok. It's hard, and in some ways i don't want it to happen, but it's ok. I trust, i have faith, and i'm excited for the growth and challenge. I'm just going to miss everyone.
It's scary; this whole growing up thing. It's scary. I'm not sure i want to grow up...but then i'm not sure i want stay as an awkward in between either. And i can't go back...so i must go forward. and it will be ok. It will. It will be ok.

Hope

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and let fate have you? All the awful feelings you have inside...the hole in your stomach, the nausea, the heavy head, never seems to go away. You could walk into a perfectly lit and very bright room, yet no matter how many lights light up that area, there still seems to be a constant dim veil that blocks the light from getting into your soul. The hole I mentioned? It wants to swallow you up, and that's the point where you want to curl into a ball and let the hole have you. You say, "Ok! You win! Take me! I'm ok with you taking me!"

But then...Divine Providence throws you a life saver. You go from suffocating, drowning, slowly dying, whatever you want to call it, to surviving, learning how to cope, learning how to live and feel again...at least feel anything but the hurt you have been feeling. It's a miracle. And you know that it couldn't have been you. It was your Savior. How amazing and exquisite it is to know that there is someone out there bigger than you who loves you enough to give His life for you and give you strength and something to hold on to. He loves you enough to help you out, even when it's the most insignificant of trails. How amazing He is! How amazing.

How do you know something? how do you know truth? how do you know that what you know is knowledge? Does that makes sense? More importantly, how do you convince someone else of what you know? How do you convince them that they know it too? sigh. It's so sad when you know something that makes you happy, and a person you really care about won't accept that same knowledge. Heartbreaking.

Fall

Somber hue diffused on everything.
Each creature, each emptied corn stalk,
Is richly bundled in mellow light.
In that open unharvested field of my own life,
I have fathered small joys and memories.
My heart was once a lovers swing that creaked in the wind
Of these calm fall days.
Autumn chants my visions to sleep,
And travels me back into a night
When i could touch the stars and believe in myself...

Along the way, grief broke me,
my faith became hardened dirt
walked over by too many people.
My heart now, as I walk down this dirt road,
on this calm fall day,
is a dented,
tin bucket
filled with fruits
picked long ago.
It's gettin harder
to lug the heavy bucket.
I spill a memory on the ground,
it gleams,
rain on hot embers
of yellow grass.

Growing up is hard.

help

Help. how do you help someone? Especially when they refuse help. And they can refuse help in many ways. There is always the classic, "i know you are there for me and thanks, but no thanks." or the, "I understand what you are trying to say, but i'm going to ignore you and keep griping." Then, the most frustrating of all is when they are completely open to your help, but you don't know where to begin to help them.
What is one to do? *Sigh*
Always pray for them, and always keep a hand reaching out even when they refuse to take it...but...
I wish the stoic people were not so stoic. Is it so bad to open up and let someone help you? It does make you vulnerable, for sure. anyway...
I guess sometimes it is scary to let someone help you. It is vulnerable. but it is always worth it in the end.