Dear Sorina...

HELLOOOOOO!!!!! I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever! I'm so glad to hear that you and Mike are doing well, and that you are staying with his parents free of rent! That must be fabulous! You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met! I love you and I'm so glad I have you in my life! You have always believed in me and have always prayed for me, and I hope you know that I do the same for you! You mentioned that it seems that I've found the ground and the sky all at once, and its true, but the best part is...some of it is your fault. :) I couldn't have come to the place that I'm at right now without and incredible friend like you. I really mean it. You have been my best friend and I would not be the person that I am without a fantastic influence for good in my life like you!

And I'm so glad you married Mike and not one of those obnoxious boys! I know which ones you are talking about...and I would have stopped you. But you got boy type one and a half!!! I'm so happy for you! I hope to take a trip down south at the end of the summer after my job ends and before school starts. If I do, would you want to get together?

I LOVE that quote! It's so true! People never see the happy things unless they are affected by the negative! I'm slowly beginning to realize that happiness is a choice, just like love. Man! I miss you soooooooo much! I think we should talk more often.

Anyway, I'll let you go, and of course you can read the other blog! You know everything about me anyway! haha. I'm so glad to hear that you are doing well. Sorina, if you need anything, and I mean anything, please don't hesitate to let me know. I love you honey! You are so amazing! Ps. before I go, remind me to tell you about how much I loved your wedding! kk! loves!!!!

Love always,
brittney :) :)

Chances

Chances are what we make them. Really? Who really makes chances swing one way or the other? Do we really make chances turn the way we want? What are the chances that the one random person on the street will change your life? What are the chances that the creepy kid in high school would end up being your best friend? What are the chances that you will fall in love with the one person that you swore was not your type? What are the chances that you will push away the love of you life and not even know it? What are the chances? We take so many turns and decisions in life that maybe we really do seal our own fates. Don't get me wrong. I definitely believe that we are lead by a Higher Being. But we do have our agency...we make our life according to our actions and choices. Maybe, we are the ones to make our statistics.

I can feel what I want to say...but the right words aren't coming. Anyway. I'm too am afraid to love beyond what I can lose. Tear down the walls. That's what I'm going to do. Taking chances is the only. I'll make what I can of the outcomes.

Chances- Five for Fighting

Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you

I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah

Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing

Chances chances

Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need

I've had a new concept introduced to me today: being true to one's self. You may think that this shouldn't be a new concept, and it isn't. The way I view it is new.

All around me the world has been telling me in shouts and whispers that being true to myself is going where every my personal whims take me. "That's just who I am so I can't change" has been a popular phrase. If I want it then go for it because self-gratification is what being true to yourself is.

They're wrong. Everyone who thinks like that is wrong. Being true to myself is being true to what I know is right...it's being true to what will make me the happiest in the long run even in the face of immediate gratification. Yes, something may bring me pleasure in the moment, but in the long run it isn't gong to get me where I want to be. And getting to where I want to be at all costs is being true to myself. Being true to myself is sacrificing something good for something greater. It's about putting off the immediate and self-gratification for something that will make you happier down the road. It's learning patience. It's applying what you know to your life.

So, wish me luck. I'm striving now to be true to myself, and I'm going to need all the prayers that I can get. I often feel weak, but I know that with Heaven's help and everyone's prayers, I will be able to do it. I will be who I want to be...and no one can stop me except myself.

I just want to put some thoughts down before I go to bed.

Lately it seems like I've been so weak. I fall to my simplest of whims rather than sticking to my strength and overcoming my immediate gratification. I feel like instead of taking steps forward everyday, I take twice as many steps backwards. I'm falling into some old habits I was sure I had conquered long ago. Am I really that pathetic and desperate that I can't or won't hang on just a little bit longer?

Why am I not taking the steps that I need to, to be who I want to be? I just feel like I'm constantly on self-destruct mode. When will I finally start living?

Anyway, enough about me. Maybe some service would do some good...

Flashback! Last year I had a friend that insisted on watching this ridiculous Alfred Hitchcock movie called The Birds. It was terrible. The movie did not have one note of music in it and it was about these black crows pecking people to death. It was so dumb.
Anyway, I've been noticing a peculiar pattern in my life. Everyday when I leave for school, there are two black crows hovering over my porch. When I get on campus two black crows follow me as I walk through the parking lot. Then they follow me to my car when I'm done with classes. When I get home, there are still two crows hanging around my apartment door. Can we say creepy? I never thought that I would ever get creeped out from that stupid Hitchcock movie...but...I am. I tell you...it's weird. I really don't want to get pecked to death. :(

Well! On to my real topic of discussion. I've been thinking a lot about treating others with kindness and at the very least civility. Let's face it, no one feels good when they are treated poorly or even when they treat others poorly. I know that I feel pretty crummy when I'm not nice to someone. But where does kindness come from? There always is that someone that just gets on your nerves and you wish with all your heart that you won't run into them today. (I have math everyday with one)

All my life I've always heard about the golden rule: do unto other as you would have done unto you, along with: Love people as Christ loves them. So, while I'm not the best example of these wonderful pieces of advice, I've decided to try and see people for their potential and not for who they are right now. This experiment has only been going on for a few days, but I've already noticed a change in my attitude towards other people. I've noticed that it's easier to be nice to them because I can see (at least in that small moment) who they could be...their best selves...maybe even who they should be.

Anyway, I hope that I myself can be my best self...who I should be...who I want to be...and hope others can see that as well. :) Anyway love you guys!

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Emotional Dumpage

Sometimes you come to visit me in my dreams. Most of the time it's when I'm at some emotional crisis or when I'm really stressed. Sometimes you're with me again and we're happy and in love. Most often though I dream of you holding me. You were my only source of comfort for the longest time. I find myself crying into your arm as you cradle me and shush my fears away. But then sometimes, I dream that you are after me; that you're trying to kill me. I can feel the fear rise in my throat as you chase me down.
Sometimes I remember these dreams when I wake. They are so vivid and real that I can almost feel your breath on my face. I can feel your body against mine when you hold me, when you cradle me, when you capture me. It's so familiar-your body-and the emotions that come with it. You may have been my only comfort for a time...but that was only because you wouldn't allow me any other source of comfort.
As I go through out my day I feel the emotional presence of you with me. Sometimes it is frightening and other times it's comforting...but it always is disturbing.
Sometimes I don't remember the dream, but I know that you came to visit. I've come a long way from the wreck that you left me in, but you still leave an emotional imprint when you visit my dreams. When will I finally be free of you? You may think that you let me go...but why are you still there if you have?

I stumbled across this incredible musician from Rexburg Idaho. His name is Preston Pugmire. Anyway, he came to sing at suu and I went to see him and LOVED his stuff. I found it to be really soul healing, so I wanted to share some lyrics with the universe, I guess. This one is called "I am love." Also, here's his myspace url just in case you're interested in hearing more! www.myspace.com/parkersmusic. Enjoy!

Just so you know I could make you lose your breath. Just so you know I don’t believe that there’s nothing left. And you don’t know who I am. I am love; spinning in your mind. And I am love; filling up your time. And I am love; just asking you to stay with me, please.
Just so you know I’ll be here when you return. And so it goes. I stare at the sun and watch you burn. You still don’t know who I am. I am love; spinning in your mind. And I am love; filling up your time. And I am love; just asking you stay with me, please.
Just so you know I am love; spinning in your mind. And I am love; filling up your time. And I am love; you don’t know what I can do. And I am love; if you’ll only see me through. And I am love just asking you to stay with me, please, cause I am love.

I've realized two things that I'd like to verbalize. Well, I want to verbalize one of them...

I find comfort in the ghetto. But I don't mean ghetto really but that's the best word I can think of. For example: I felt most comfortable and at home in Kerby's piece of junk van. This van was the definition of ghetto. Really, I don't know what held it together. The ac didn't work so we always had to roll down the windows to cool us down. Picture going a hundred down I-15 with all the windows rolled down and music blaring from the speakers! geez, that was fun.

Or in Kerby's basement. His basement wasn't spotlessly clean but I felt at home there. Nate's jeep. It's reliable and loud and it shakes when it reaches high speeds and it's littered with artifacts from Nate's life. Yet, I feel at home there. Squirrel's house is a lot like Kerby's basement. It isn't spotless but I feel at home. That's why I was ok with living in Juniper.

I don't find comfort in the stark white houses that smell of cleaning chemicals. In fact, I couldn't feel more out of place. I wonder why this is. My house, the house I grew up in, certainly isn't ghetto. I dunno. Just something I noticed.

I had the most incredible experience today. I did something that I didn't want to do but felt that it was the right thing to do. By all means I should be devastated. I'm not. I'm actually quite happy. That's what's incredible. Sorina says I'm masochistic to a fault, or whatever that ridiculous thing is that she always tells me. (to be honest, honey, I don't really remember because I think you're wrong. :P) But, I've always heard that happiness is a choice or journey and not a destination and I usually just kind of smile and nod because I don't believe it. But maybe everyone's right. That's not to say that I'm not a happy person in general...because I am. (mom if you happen to read this...no...I'm not suicidal *rolls eyes*)

I guess...it's about looking forward...I've spent so much of my life looking back at lost opportunities or at better times...do you remember that story from the bible? The one about Lot and his wife leaving Sodom and Gomorah. Yah...and Lot's wife looked back and was turned to salt?...or something... Very symbolic. She didn't want to leave. Looking back was her mourning her life changing. That's why I think Jeff can be so ok with whatever happens to him. (correct me if I'm wrong) But he doesn't look back. That's why I'm finally ok with NOT talking about Cameron. I don't have to talk about him because I'm finally not going over and over what I could have done differently. It happened. So, what.

That's what the Savior means when He says that He won't remember your sins anymore. That's what it means to be healed by the Savior. You don't have to look back anymore. You don't have to be dominated by who you were. I think I'm slowly learning that this life is forgiving, that my Savior is forgiving, that people are forgiving. Maybe, I should forgive myself. Maybe looking back won't cut it more.

Lies

People have different motives for lying. Some lie because they don't want to get caught, others lie just to be malicious, and still there are those that lie simply because they like to spin their own reality. whatever the case may be the fact still remains that we all lie. We lie to each other and we lie to ourselves. Interesting fact come out today in my psychology class. On average a person lies to themselves or to others at a minimum of twenty-five times a day. My professor went on to say that the people who are the most validated in our society are the people who are the best liars.
But lets continue to focus on motive. Be honest with yourself when I ask: have you ever lied hoping that you would get caught? Let's say you had a bad day and a friend asks what's wrong. You tell them you are fine...which really means that you are freaked insecure neurotic and emotional...far from fine. But deep down people beg for comfort. It intrigues me that people want to get caught in their lies. I do the same thing. We all do. What would happen if we stopped hiding our hurt or confusion? I have no idea because I am one of the most confused people ever to walk this earth. But what would happen if someone dared to see through all of that? Or more importantly, what would happen if we were all honest to a fault...especially with ourselves?
Anyway, just some ramblings on things that I've noticed. I came across a song (I know...I listen to music WAY too much but it speaks to me so I can't stop...)that spoke to this situation. but you have to realize, I direct it more towards myself than to others. (I need to put that disclaimer out there.) anyway here it is. It's Shiny Toy Guns, Chemistry of a Car Crash.

You're waking up
A part of me i've never known.
And i've never felt
So invincible.
What took you so far away?

You're lost for tonight again,
That's what you wanted?
Your arms to your side again..

Just take away the words i say
Cause i know
That you don't feel the same.
Just go and say
What's in your head
And i won't try to stop you.

You hold the rights i'll never own.
And i've never felt
So alien.
Don't tear us apart again.

What is the use of it?
We're ok. it's nothing . .
It's the chemistry of a car crash.

And i won't try so you'll stay
This time.
I won't try
And i won't change.
This time i won't try
To stop you.

True Friends

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." -George Eliot.

I've always liked this quote. Recently, I've been particularly aware of these sorts of friends...and just how many of them I actually have. So...while there are only two people who read this blog :) I feel the need, like sorina, to send a thanks out to the universe. Thank you everyone who has put up with me and my flaws and inconsistencies. You guys are amazing and I'm so blessed to know you all.

Not Sorry

"You can spend minutes hours days weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've would've happened-or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on."

I'm not sure who said this but it reminded me of a song by Maria Mena called Sorry. It goes like this:

"I just poured my heart out; there's bits of it on the floor. And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water and call him up for more. And I say, 'Baby, yes, I feel stupid to call you but I'm lonely. and I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me.' And he said, 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Anyways the song goes on to talk about this woman changing for this man and trying to be everything for him and he just can't love her. I know what it's like to scoop up the pieces and go back for more. It sucks. And I'm done with it. I'm going to leave the pieces on the floor and move on because it's too hard always wondering if the stupid guy likes me or if i was too weird or desperate or something. And I always think, "Well, if only they could see this side of me...." Bull. It's all bull crap. I'm done pining after people. So done. So there.