Change

There is one thing i hate most; change. I hate i hate i hate it. Just when i finally start to get to used to something...just when i start to accept this place as home, it changes.
But then, I wouldn't grow if things never changed. I suppose it's time. I've been dared to move, to lift myself off the floor, and i have to take that dare. I have to move forward with my life and hope that it's for the best...because it's impossible to go back.
It's ok. It's hard, and in some ways i don't want it to happen, but it's ok. I trust, i have faith, and i'm excited for the growth and challenge. I'm just going to miss everyone.
It's scary; this whole growing up thing. It's scary. I'm not sure i want to grow up...but then i'm not sure i want stay as an awkward in between either. And i can't go back...so i must go forward. and it will be ok. It will. It will be ok.

Hope

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and let fate have you? All the awful feelings you have inside...the hole in your stomach, the nausea, the heavy head, never seems to go away. You could walk into a perfectly lit and very bright room, yet no matter how many lights light up that area, there still seems to be a constant dim veil that blocks the light from getting into your soul. The hole I mentioned? It wants to swallow you up, and that's the point where you want to curl into a ball and let the hole have you. You say, "Ok! You win! Take me! I'm ok with you taking me!"

But then...Divine Providence throws you a life saver. You go from suffocating, drowning, slowly dying, whatever you want to call it, to surviving, learning how to cope, learning how to live and feel again...at least feel anything but the hurt you have been feeling. It's a miracle. And you know that it couldn't have been you. It was your Savior. How amazing and exquisite it is to know that there is someone out there bigger than you who loves you enough to give His life for you and give you strength and something to hold on to. He loves you enough to help you out, even when it's the most insignificant of trails. How amazing He is! How amazing.

How do you know something? how do you know truth? how do you know that what you know is knowledge? Does that makes sense? More importantly, how do you convince someone else of what you know? How do you convince them that they know it too? sigh. It's so sad when you know something that makes you happy, and a person you really care about won't accept that same knowledge. Heartbreaking.

Fall

Somber hue diffused on everything.
Each creature, each emptied corn stalk,
Is richly bundled in mellow light.
In that open unharvested field of my own life,
I have fathered small joys and memories.
My heart was once a lovers swing that creaked in the wind
Of these calm fall days.
Autumn chants my visions to sleep,
And travels me back into a night
When i could touch the stars and believe in myself...

Along the way, grief broke me,
my faith became hardened dirt
walked over by too many people.
My heart now, as I walk down this dirt road,
on this calm fall day,
is a dented,
tin bucket
filled with fruits
picked long ago.
It's gettin harder
to lug the heavy bucket.
I spill a memory on the ground,
it gleams,
rain on hot embers
of yellow grass.

Growing up is hard.

help

Help. how do you help someone? Especially when they refuse help. And they can refuse help in many ways. There is always the classic, "i know you are there for me and thanks, but no thanks." or the, "I understand what you are trying to say, but i'm going to ignore you and keep griping." Then, the most frustrating of all is when they are completely open to your help, but you don't know where to begin to help them.
What is one to do? *Sigh*
Always pray for them, and always keep a hand reaching out even when they refuse to take it...but...
I wish the stoic people were not so stoic. Is it so bad to open up and let someone help you? It does make you vulnerable, for sure. anyway...
I guess sometimes it is scary to let someone help you. It is vulnerable. but it is always worth it in the end.