I had the most incredible experience today. I did something that I didn't want to do but felt that it was the right thing to do. By all means I should be devastated. I'm not. I'm actually quite happy. That's what's incredible. Sorina says I'm masochistic to a fault, or whatever that ridiculous thing is that she always tells me. (to be honest, honey, I don't really remember because I think you're wrong. :P) But, I've always heard that happiness is a choice or journey and not a destination and I usually just kind of smile and nod because I don't believe it. But maybe everyone's right. That's not to say that I'm not a happy person in general...because I am. (mom if you happen to read this...no...I'm not suicidal *rolls eyes*)

I guess...it's about looking forward...I've spent so much of my life looking back at lost opportunities or at better times...do you remember that story from the bible? The one about Lot and his wife leaving Sodom and Gomorah. Yah...and Lot's wife looked back and was turned to salt?...or something... Very symbolic. She didn't want to leave. Looking back was her mourning her life changing. That's why I think Jeff can be so ok with whatever happens to him. (correct me if I'm wrong) But he doesn't look back. That's why I'm finally ok with NOT talking about Cameron. I don't have to talk about him because I'm finally not going over and over what I could have done differently. It happened. So, what.

That's what the Savior means when He says that He won't remember your sins anymore. That's what it means to be healed by the Savior. You don't have to look back anymore. You don't have to be dominated by who you were. I think I'm slowly learning that this life is forgiving, that my Savior is forgiving, that people are forgiving. Maybe, I should forgive myself. Maybe looking back won't cut it more.

Lies

People have different motives for lying. Some lie because they don't want to get caught, others lie just to be malicious, and still there are those that lie simply because they like to spin their own reality. whatever the case may be the fact still remains that we all lie. We lie to each other and we lie to ourselves. Interesting fact come out today in my psychology class. On average a person lies to themselves or to others at a minimum of twenty-five times a day. My professor went on to say that the people who are the most validated in our society are the people who are the best liars.
But lets continue to focus on motive. Be honest with yourself when I ask: have you ever lied hoping that you would get caught? Let's say you had a bad day and a friend asks what's wrong. You tell them you are fine...which really means that you are freaked insecure neurotic and emotional...far from fine. But deep down people beg for comfort. It intrigues me that people want to get caught in their lies. I do the same thing. We all do. What would happen if we stopped hiding our hurt or confusion? I have no idea because I am one of the most confused people ever to walk this earth. But what would happen if someone dared to see through all of that? Or more importantly, what would happen if we were all honest to a fault...especially with ourselves?
Anyway, just some ramblings on things that I've noticed. I came across a song (I know...I listen to music WAY too much but it speaks to me so I can't stop...)that spoke to this situation. but you have to realize, I direct it more towards myself than to others. (I need to put that disclaimer out there.) anyway here it is. It's Shiny Toy Guns, Chemistry of a Car Crash.

You're waking up
A part of me i've never known.
And i've never felt
So invincible.
What took you so far away?

You're lost for tonight again,
That's what you wanted?
Your arms to your side again..

Just take away the words i say
Cause i know
That you don't feel the same.
Just go and say
What's in your head
And i won't try to stop you.

You hold the rights i'll never own.
And i've never felt
So alien.
Don't tear us apart again.

What is the use of it?
We're ok. it's nothing . .
It's the chemistry of a car crash.

And i won't try so you'll stay
This time.
I won't try
And i won't change.
This time i won't try
To stop you.

True Friends

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." -George Eliot.

I've always liked this quote. Recently, I've been particularly aware of these sorts of friends...and just how many of them I actually have. So...while there are only two people who read this blog :) I feel the need, like sorina, to send a thanks out to the universe. Thank you everyone who has put up with me and my flaws and inconsistencies. You guys are amazing and I'm so blessed to know you all.

Not Sorry

"You can spend minutes hours days weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've would've happened-or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on."

I'm not sure who said this but it reminded me of a song by Maria Mena called Sorry. It goes like this:

"I just poured my heart out; there's bits of it on the floor. And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water and call him up for more. And I say, 'Baby, yes, I feel stupid to call you but I'm lonely. and I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me.' And he said, 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Anyways the song goes on to talk about this woman changing for this man and trying to be everything for him and he just can't love her. I know what it's like to scoop up the pieces and go back for more. It sucks. And I'm done with it. I'm going to leave the pieces on the floor and move on because it's too hard always wondering if the stupid guy likes me or if i was too weird or desperate or something. And I always think, "Well, if only they could see this side of me...." Bull. It's all bull crap. I'm done pining after people. So done. So there.