The Desire to Paint

THE DESIRE TO PAINT Unhappy perhaps is man, but happy the artist torn by desire! I am consumed by a desire to paint the woman who appeared to me so rarely and who so quickly fled, like a beautiful regretted thing the voyager leaves behind as he is carried away into the night. How long it is now, since she disappeared! She is beautiful and more than beautiful; she is surprising. Darkness in her abounds, and all that she inspires is nocturnal and profound. Her eyes are two caverns where mystery dimly glistens, and like a lighting flash, her glance illuminates: it is an explosion in the dark. I have compared her to a black sun, if one can imagine a black star pouring out light and happiness. But she makes one think rather of the moon, which has surely marked her with its portentous influence; not the white moon of idylls which resembles a frigid bride, but the moon torn from the sky, the conquered and indignant moon that the Thessalian Witches cruelly compel to dance on the frightened grass! That little forehead is inhabited by a tenacious will and a desire for prey. Yet, in the lower part of this disturbing countenance, with sensitive nostrils quivering for the unknown and the impossible, bursts, with inexpressible loveliness, a wide mouth, red and white and alluring, that makes one dream of the miracle of a superb flower blooming on volcanic soil. There are woman who inspire you with desire to conquer them and to take your pleasure of them; but this one fills you only with the desire to die slowly beneath her gaze. -Charles Bauldelaire

Dear Sorina...

HELLOOOOOO!!!!! I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever! I'm so glad to hear that you and Mike are doing well, and that you are staying with his parents free of rent! That must be fabulous! You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met! I love you and I'm so glad I have you in my life! You have always believed in me and have always prayed for me, and I hope you know that I do the same for you! You mentioned that it seems that I've found the ground and the sky all at once, and its true, but the best part is...some of it is your fault. :) I couldn't have come to the place that I'm at right now without and incredible friend like you. I really mean it. You have been my best friend and I would not be the person that I am without a fantastic influence for good in my life like you!

And I'm so glad you married Mike and not one of those obnoxious boys! I know which ones you are talking about...and I would have stopped you. But you got boy type one and a half!!! I'm so happy for you! I hope to take a trip down south at the end of the summer after my job ends and before school starts. If I do, would you want to get together?

I LOVE that quote! It's so true! People never see the happy things unless they are affected by the negative! I'm slowly beginning to realize that happiness is a choice, just like love. Man! I miss you soooooooo much! I think we should talk more often.

Anyway, I'll let you go, and of course you can read the other blog! You know everything about me anyway! haha. I'm so glad to hear that you are doing well. Sorina, if you need anything, and I mean anything, please don't hesitate to let me know. I love you honey! You are so amazing! Ps. before I go, remind me to tell you about how much I loved your wedding! kk! loves!!!!

Love always,
brittney :) :)

Chances

Chances are what we make them. Really? Who really makes chances swing one way or the other? Do we really make chances turn the way we want? What are the chances that the one random person on the street will change your life? What are the chances that the creepy kid in high school would end up being your best friend? What are the chances that you will fall in love with the one person that you swore was not your type? What are the chances that you will push away the love of you life and not even know it? What are the chances? We take so many turns and decisions in life that maybe we really do seal our own fates. Don't get me wrong. I definitely believe that we are lead by a Higher Being. But we do have our agency...we make our life according to our actions and choices. Maybe, we are the ones to make our statistics.

I can feel what I want to say...but the right words aren't coming. Anyway. I'm too am afraid to love beyond what I can lose. Tear down the walls. That's what I'm going to do. Taking chances is the only. I'll make what I can of the outcomes.

Chances- Five for Fighting

Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you

I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah

Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing

Chances chances

Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need

I've had a new concept introduced to me today: being true to one's self. You may think that this shouldn't be a new concept, and it isn't. The way I view it is new.

All around me the world has been telling me in shouts and whispers that being true to myself is going where every my personal whims take me. "That's just who I am so I can't change" has been a popular phrase. If I want it then go for it because self-gratification is what being true to yourself is.

They're wrong. Everyone who thinks like that is wrong. Being true to myself is being true to what I know is right...it's being true to what will make me the happiest in the long run even in the face of immediate gratification. Yes, something may bring me pleasure in the moment, but in the long run it isn't gong to get me where I want to be. And getting to where I want to be at all costs is being true to myself. Being true to myself is sacrificing something good for something greater. It's about putting off the immediate and self-gratification for something that will make you happier down the road. It's learning patience. It's applying what you know to your life.

So, wish me luck. I'm striving now to be true to myself, and I'm going to need all the prayers that I can get. I often feel weak, but I know that with Heaven's help and everyone's prayers, I will be able to do it. I will be who I want to be...and no one can stop me except myself.

I just want to put some thoughts down before I go to bed.

Lately it seems like I've been so weak. I fall to my simplest of whims rather than sticking to my strength and overcoming my immediate gratification. I feel like instead of taking steps forward everyday, I take twice as many steps backwards. I'm falling into some old habits I was sure I had conquered long ago. Am I really that pathetic and desperate that I can't or won't hang on just a little bit longer?

Why am I not taking the steps that I need to, to be who I want to be? I just feel like I'm constantly on self-destruct mode. When will I finally start living?

Anyway, enough about me. Maybe some service would do some good...

Flashback! Last year I had a friend that insisted on watching this ridiculous Alfred Hitchcock movie called The Birds. It was terrible. The movie did not have one note of music in it and it was about these black crows pecking people to death. It was so dumb.
Anyway, I've been noticing a peculiar pattern in my life. Everyday when I leave for school, there are two black crows hovering over my porch. When I get on campus two black crows follow me as I walk through the parking lot. Then they follow me to my car when I'm done with classes. When I get home, there are still two crows hanging around my apartment door. Can we say creepy? I never thought that I would ever get creeped out from that stupid Hitchcock movie...but...I am. I tell you...it's weird. I really don't want to get pecked to death. :(

Well! On to my real topic of discussion. I've been thinking a lot about treating others with kindness and at the very least civility. Let's face it, no one feels good when they are treated poorly or even when they treat others poorly. I know that I feel pretty crummy when I'm not nice to someone. But where does kindness come from? There always is that someone that just gets on your nerves and you wish with all your heart that you won't run into them today. (I have math everyday with one)

All my life I've always heard about the golden rule: do unto other as you would have done unto you, along with: Love people as Christ loves them. So, while I'm not the best example of these wonderful pieces of advice, I've decided to try and see people for their potential and not for who they are right now. This experiment has only been going on for a few days, but I've already noticed a change in my attitude towards other people. I've noticed that it's easier to be nice to them because I can see (at least in that small moment) who they could be...their best selves...maybe even who they should be.

Anyway, I hope that I myself can be my best self...who I should be...who I want to be...and hope others can see that as well. :) Anyway love you guys!

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Emotional Dumpage

Sometimes you come to visit me in my dreams. Most of the time it's when I'm at some emotional crisis or when I'm really stressed. Sometimes you're with me again and we're happy and in love. Most often though I dream of you holding me. You were my only source of comfort for the longest time. I find myself crying into your arm as you cradle me and shush my fears away. But then sometimes, I dream that you are after me; that you're trying to kill me. I can feel the fear rise in my throat as you chase me down.
Sometimes I remember these dreams when I wake. They are so vivid and real that I can almost feel your breath on my face. I can feel your body against mine when you hold me, when you cradle me, when you capture me. It's so familiar-your body-and the emotions that come with it. You may have been my only comfort for a time...but that was only because you wouldn't allow me any other source of comfort.
As I go through out my day I feel the emotional presence of you with me. Sometimes it is frightening and other times it's comforting...but it always is disturbing.
Sometimes I don't remember the dream, but I know that you came to visit. I've come a long way from the wreck that you left me in, but you still leave an emotional imprint when you visit my dreams. When will I finally be free of you? You may think that you let me go...but why are you still there if you have?